25-years to life...
Perhaps to one who does not
understand the love of God, my life of 33 years might seem somewhat tragic. I am the product of a broken home and much abuse.
Until age 9 I was raised in a Catholic home where my father insisted on Catholic schools and going to Catholic church every
Sunday for me and my brother. I only recall one occasion that my father ever entered the church, that was my first communion.
I Was Sexually and Psychologically Abused
The abuse in my family was abundant
and varied. My mother experienced physical and psychological spousal abuse, my brother was also psychologically abused...and
I was sexually and psychologically abused. My parents divorced but life didn't get better, it even got more difficult. Each
day was a struggle. My mother was extremely "stressed" trying to raise two children and trying to recover from her own traumatization.
Religion at this point in my life was somewhat chaotic, as my mother and I both went in search for God.
Unfortunately, we looked in all the
wrong places. Instead of picking up a bible, we entertained Jehovah's Witnesses with all their `little books and new concepts.'
We only got more confused. After a while we became distressed and disinterested and we stopped looking for God completely!
Soon after my mother started
dating the man who would become my step-father. He introduced us to the United Methodist Church. We attended as a family of
four faithfully for over a year. Though a good man and an earnest Christian, my step-father backslid. Gambling began to consume
his time, the horse races, the games and other forms of gambling. This worked to dismember our family.
I Turned to Drugs and Alcohol
My mother went with him more
and more and they were out of town a lot. I felt alone and abandoned by my parents...and, by God. I turned to drugs and alcohol
as a teenager. I was in search of love, security, and acceptance. I ended up with the "wrong crowd!" Many of my associates
were heavily involved with astrology, the occult, drugs, and acts of vandalism.
I began to look for answers
for many questions in these occultic activities -- drugs, ouija boards, tarot cards, witchcraft, fortunetellers -- the whole
gamut. Before I became involved in any of the occultic rituals -- sacrifices and sex -- my `friends' my friends were involved
in, my parents moved to another state. I am so thankful as I look back on that area of my life, I am thankful I never took
part in any of those rituals!
Ten
More Years of Abuse
Not too long after moving I
became involved with a man twice my age. He was 33 and I was 16. What did I know? Our relationship lasted ten years. We married
and brought two lovely children into the world. The ten years were filled with vernal, physical and psychological abuse. You
never get used to it. The first 8-years he abused me and his two children (by a previous marriage), the last two years it
got worse. He began to abuse our two sons. He raped and sodomized me among other sexual abuses!
My husband cursed God. He would
not allow me or the children to attend church. He would not allow us to observe any religious practices in our home. He felt
God had let him down earlier in his life. He wanted nothing to do with God. I knew God was still there but I felt that since
I had turned my back on Him earlier in my life that surely He had turned away from me also.
You're Wondering, 'Why Did She Stay For Ten Years if She Was So Abused?'
I didn't really know what to
do or where to turn. I suppose you're wondering at this point in time, `Why did she stay for ten years if she was so abused?'
Good question! I did have some morals and I had enough of "religion" instilled in me that I believed marriage was `till death
do us part' -- and I really did love my husband even though I feared him. I didn't know if maybe that's the way all marriages
were, curiously, I accepted it as sort of a package deal, you know, the good with the bad.
I made a commitment in matrimony,
so I just stuck it out. Amidst all of the abuse and fights there were also some good times. Fear is a powerful emotion, so
I'm not really sure which of my emotions kept me in the marriage - but for nine years there was much pain and uncertainty.
25-years
to Life in a New Year Prison
All of this sort of brings me
to where I am today. I am presently incarcerated at the Bedford Hills Correctional facility in Bedford Hills, New York, about
35 miles north of New York City. I am serving a term of 25 years-to-life on charges in conjunction with murder of my husband.
I did not kill my husband, nor did I have anything to do with his murder!
My husband was shot to death
by a young man, who found out that my husband had been molesting his girlfriend and her best friend for several years. He
was the fiance of one of the girls that did baby sitting for us. He was on drugs at the time he killed my husband...he was
also heavily involved in the occult. It is impossible to explain such a complicated situation in a few paragraphs.
He Confessed To Lying Under Oath
The young man lied on the witness
stand as he testified against me at my trial. (I was charged with murder.) When caught up in his lies, he confessed to lying
under oath - yet, still I was convicted and sentenced to a maximum sentence. I have lost my husband through the murder...though
abusive, he was the only source of security I had ever known. I lost my home, my car, my land, all of my material possessions,
my freedom, but worst of all I lost my children.
For the
first 26-years of my life, everyone I loved or trusted either let me down or abused me in one way or another...right down
to a baby sitter who sexually abused me as a child of 11. You are expecting to hear now how bitter I am. All of these things
are true and yet. my heart is filled with joy and praise! What do I have to say about all that has happened to me? THANK YOU,
LORD! THANK YOU!
